


November with Love

by blackrainbow



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-10
Updated: 2014-03-27
Packaged: 2018-01-15 06:18:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1294561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackrainbow/pseuds/blackrainbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’ve been in love with you for the past eight years, Changmin’s mind spoke. It was love at first sight, but the more I know you, it isn’t just your look that makes me fall for you. But he smiled, “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you, Hyung!”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I’ve been in love with you for the past eight years_ , Changmin’s mind spoke. _It was love at first sight, but the more I know you, it isn’t just your look that makes me fall for you_. But he said, “Congratulations!” and tried to smile sincerely. “I’m so happy for you, Hyung!”

 

“Thanks, Changmin-ah,” Yunho grinned. “She’s my first love, you know,” he winked to Changmin.

 

 _You are my first love, Hyung_.

 

“And they say, first love never works,” Jaejoong put his arms around Changmin and Yunho.

 

“Ah, Changmin, I almost forget… this is the wedding invitation card for you!”

 

Changmin received the ivory card with light blue lace around it. “Wow,” he didn’t know what else to say. “This is very beautiful.”

 

“She picks the colors,” Yunho smiled proudly.

 

Changmin excused himself to the bathroom when he got the chance and locked himself inside.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin always watched Yunho quietly from his class. Through the opened window, he could see the man dribbled the basket ball with all his grace, ran through his opponent and threw a clear three point shot. His sweat wetted his tshirt and Yunho would shake his head as Jaejoong dumped the water to his head.

 

It was like the movie. The rose petal would dance around him, the sun would only beam on him and the sweet love song played in the background.

 

And that was how Changmin believed in love at first sight.

 

One day, Changmin was rushing to his next class. They were going to have a test and it was Changmin’s job to copy the question sheets. The pile of books and papers kind of blocked his vision and he didn’t notice the trashcan in front of him. He fell and the papers flew everywhere.

 

Changmin cursed in his mind as he collected the papers. A helping hand offered him a pile of papers, and Changmin received it gratefully. “Thanks,”

 

Changmin almost froze when he looked up to his helper. That was how Changmin fell for Yunho for the second time. Kindness was always his kryptonite. He was being bullied a lot in elementary school and it was always touched his heart if someone was being nice to him.

 

“You’re going to your class? Let me help you with that.” Yunho took half of the papers and the books, delivered them to Changmin’s class.

 

Changmin tried really hard not to blush or shaking with his crush beside him. “Thank you so much, Sunbae.” He said when they arrived at his class.

 

“You’re welcome,” Yunho smiled to him, leaned closer to read his name on Changmin’s uniform. “Changmin.”

 

Changmin wasn’t that popular at school. More like a role student with additional talent in art. Changmin left his notebook in the art room, and when he came back, the room was locked already.

 

“Changmin-ah!”

 

And it made Changmin smiled how Yunho remembered his name, how he called his name when they met at the canteen or just passed each other on the corridor.

 

“You’re still at school?”

 

“Yes,” Changmin knew that Yunho had more classes in his senior year to prepare him to enter collage. “I forget my notebook.”

 

“Oh,” Yunho looked at Changmin.

 

Yunho was a wonderful human being. He looked at people in the eyes, he never insulted others, he was kind to everybody.

 

“Yeah, but the door’s already locked…” Changmin continued. “Maybe I’ll take it tomorrow.”

 

“You left your book in there?” Yunho walked closer to the room and took a peek through the window.

 

“Yes,” Changmin watched Yunho. “It’s okay, I-“

 

“Wait here,” Yunho said, before he widened the window and climbed up the wall, before entered the room through the window.

 

“Sunbae!” Changmin didn’t know Yunho would do that. The window was about their head level, and was big enough, but Changmin didn’t expect Yunho would go inside through the window.

 

“Shim Changmin… is this your book?” Yunho read the name on the notebook.

 

“Yes.” Changmin nodded.

 

“Okay!” Yunho smiled, before he walked to the window, and climbed out easily. “Here you go,” he gave the notebook.

 

“Thank you!” Changmin received it. “You… actually don’t have to do that…”

 

“Aish, it’s nothing,” Yunho replied.

 

“Thank you so much, Sunabe!” Changmin smiled to him.

 

“Call me Hyung, okay, Changminnie!”

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin knew that Yunho was in love with someone, because he always watched him.

 

Changmin watched how Yunho was keeping an eye on a girl with straight-shoulder length hair, brown eyes, and small nose. How Yunho blushed when the girl accidentally looked back to him. Changmin saw how Yunho tried to impress the girl with his cool basketball moves. Changmin knew when Yunho gifted her a box of heart chocolate, and later at night, Yunho came to her house with a bouquet of red rose.

 

Changmin knew that girl was Yunho’s first love.

 

But he didn’t know whether they became a couple or not, because Yunho was graduated already.

 

 

*

 

 

They met when Changmin was a college student, and Yunho worked as a part timer in the café nearby. They made small talk, it made Changmin happy to be able to see Yunho again, but he really wanted to know more about the man.

 

Yunho said he was glad to see Changmin, asked about what his study was, (and Changmin knew that Yunho was studying business even before the man told him), said that the younger looked more handsome as he got older, but that was that.

 

Changmin often wondered if Yunho would invite him for a cup coffee, or dinner, or whatever.

 

But he never did.

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho worked in the music industry, Kim Jaejoong and Park Yoochun was his most treasured composer, and Changmin was the album cover designer. Sometimes, he wrote the lyrics too, and Yoochun said it was good enough. It was easy to voice out his feelings with Yunho around. But their relationship was remain professional.

 

“Changmin-ah, can I ask for your help?” Yunho’s head popped out from Changmin’s room door.

 

“Sure,” Changmin replied. “What is it, Hyung?”

 

Yunho looked down and blushed.

 

Changmin remembered that look.

 

Yunho took a seat in front of Changmin, they was separated by the glass table, and Changmin regretted why he chose such a wide table.

 

“I’m going to asked a girl to marry me,”

 

 

Changmin’s world stopped.

 

“Changmin,”

 

“Yes?” Changmin managed to reply.

 

“Yeah… so….” Yunho rubbed the back of his neck.

 

“Um… if I may ask, who, Hyung?” Changmin asked.

 

“Jun Jihyun… we were in the same high school.”

 

Changmin felt like his throat tied up. “You’ve been going out with her since high school?”

 

“Well, no. We went to different collage and we just met, like, um, five months ago?” Yunho said shyly.

 

Changmin could see the light in Yunho’s eyes. And they were sparkling.

 

“So… can I ask for your help?”

 

“Sure,” Changmin glad he still had the ability to answer.

 

“I was going to ask Jaejoong or Yoochun but they’re just gonna make fun of me, so…”

 

“Yeah, yeah, sure, Hyung. What do you need me to do?” Changmin asked.

 

“I just… need some practice to ask her, you know?” Yunho said with hopeful eyes. “I know this is stupid and embarrassing but I just- want everything to be perfect for her.”

 

“I understand.” Changmin nodded.

 

So that was real. Changmin saw Yunho flirted around with girls, sometimes boys, let them rub their body around him in the club when they went out together with Jaejoong and Yoochun. Sometimes Yunho would go home with them, and Changmin just stood there and watched.

 

But it was real. It was someone Yunho actually care. He actually loved.

 

“I don’t know what to say to her… I hope you can help me with that.” Yunho muttered.

 

“Just tell about how you feel about her.” Changmin suggested. “Be honest about that.” _I can’t be honest to you_.

 

Yunho took a deep breath. “It’s so hard.”

 

“Talk to me. Just try.” Changmin gave a small smile.

 

Yunho sighed, before said, “Your eyes are pretty.”

 

It was the most cliché line but when it came from the right person, it would made you flew to the sky. “Go on.” Changmin had to remind himself that Yunho wasn’t really talking to him. It was to _her_.

 

“It’s so hard, Min.” Yunho huffed frustratedly, sat back to his chair.

 

Changmin smiled softly. “Your eyes are pretty. I like the way your eyes crinkle when you smiled, and they narrow cutely when you pout. When you blink innocently, I want nothing but keep you and protect you forever. I love it when I can see the world inside your eyes, they reflect it beautifully. And when you’re looking at me, I feel lost. But it’s okay. Because it’s you.”

 

They were still.

 

And Changmin quickly looked down to hide his tears he didn’t know formed just like that.

 

“That was beautiful, Changmin.”

 

Changmin laughed it off. “I maybe read it somewhere.” _I feel that way about you_.

 

“I’ve never heard of it.” Yunho lifted his shoulder.

 

“Then you should make it. I believe it will worth more if you do it yourself.”

 

“I… I really love her. And I want her to feel that. I hope she can feel that. I’ll do anything, _anything_ for her. Anything just to make her happy.”

 

“Anything that makes you happy.” Changmin said. _I’ll hurt myself if that makes you happy, it’s okay, Hyung._

 

“Thank you, Changmin-ah,” Yunho stood up and walked to Changmin’s seat to give him a hug. “I will tell her.”


	2. Beside You

It happened so fast.

 

Yunho’s label went bankrupt. And the marriage didn’t happen.

 

The parents of the bride-to-be didn’t want their only daughter to suffer, had a poor businessman as her husband.

 

They canceled the wedding and sent her abroad.

 

Changmin couldn’t feel happy about that. Not when it made Yunho like this. Gone the light in his eyes. Gone his cheerful smile. He barely knew the man, the old Yunho wasn’t there anymore.

 

As if it wasn’t enough for Yunho, his music label wasn’t getting any better. It went worse. He had to let most of his employees go. Yoochun sent his resignation letter when he heard the news. Jaejoong was Yunho’s bestfriend since high school, but it didn’t guarantee anything.

 

“Fuck you!” Jaejoong hit the desk hard and pointed his black polished nail to Yunho, before slammed the door hard.

 

Changmin stayed.

 

It wasn’t the money, it was the disappointment he caused; that was what bothering Yunho. He hurt his friends, betrayed them, but could do nothing about it.

 

Changmin didn’t know what it felt like, it wasn’t him going through it. But he could see Yunho in despair. He was broken and helpless. When he saw Yunho looking out to the dark sky, with his low shoulder and deep sigh, he could feel the sadness in the air.

 

The man who had everything, suddenly had nothing.

 

 

*

 

 

It was unordinary for him to have a drink or two before going home. Changmin always needed something to calm his mind down. Yunho usually burned his mind and soul, and the alcohol would put off the fire of desire. But nowadays, it was nothing but cold air in his heart. And the alcohol maybe would warm it a bit.

 

They used to came to the bar together to have some drink, but still, Changmin didn’t expect to see Jaejoong there.

 

“Hyung,” Changmin greeted him when he reached the older man who was sitting in a high stool.

 

“Oh, Changmin-ah,”

 

Jaejoong was always emotional and it helped a lot when he composed songs. Changmin admitted that the man was great, the music and lyrics sometimes drowned him, made him hard to breathe, the sad love songs were totally matched with his feelings no matter when. He could totally relate to that feeling, especially when he had Yunho in mind.

 

Changmin let Jaejoong ordered the drink for him, though the experience taught him never accept the liquid Jaejoong offered you. But he couldn’t refuse.

 

“So how’s work?” Jaejoong asked.

 

It made Changmin uncomfortable. He drank the content in the little glass in one shot. “Fine,” he felt the liquid burned trail in his throat, like hot wax. The aftertaste brought tear to his eye.

 

Jaejoong hummed and ordered another drink.

 

“What about you, Hyung?” Changmin asked carefully, remembered how Yunho had to fire Jaejoong but kept him in the company.

 

“I sold two songs.” Jaejoong drank the alcohol like it was nothing. “My life’s alright.”

 

“I’m happy for you.” Changmin replied.

 

Jaejoong looked at Changmin. With those big eyes, framed with thin eyeliner that made the gaze sharper and deeper.

 

It made Changmin felt trapped, and he drank another shot.

 

Jaejoong snorted. “Yunho kept you.” He stated, out of nowhere.

 

Changmin looked down. The back of his neck felt hot and he took off his scarf. “I… I’m the only designer in the team, so…”

 

“I know.”

 

That time, it was Changmin who ordered another glass. “Are you angry with Yunho Hyung?”

 

“I am.” Jaejoong answered simply.

 

“It’s not his fault that the label-“

 

“I know.” Jaejoong cut him. “But I’m still angry.”

 

Changmin thought about how he should defend Yunho. But he understood that Jaejoong was mad to his bestfriend. He felt dizzy and drank some more to calm his mind. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What for?”

 

“I bet you feel hurt… I mean… he’s your friend… since high school…” Changmin’s brain instructed his hands to lift the glass and drank the content. “He’s… he’s very nice…”

 

Jaejoong could see the deep blush on Changmin’s face. “He is.” He put his glass in front of Changmin for the younger man to drink.

 

“I… don’t want you to hate him…” Changmin’s mind was blurred, but Yunho’s frown and gloomy eyes were clear.

 

Jaejoong sighed. “I don’t hate him.” He tried to stop Changmin to drink more.

 

But Changmin was struggling to have more. “He doesn’t deserve that…” he said after he grabbed another glass.

 

Jaejoong put his hand on Changmin’s back hesitantly, and began to rub. It somehow triggered Changmin to cry, the tears flooded his eyes, and let the drop wet the table.

 

“He deserves happiness more than anyone in this world…”

 

“Yeah, yeah…” Changmin patted his back. “Changmin, I thought you have enough to drink- no, stop, don’t give him that,”

 

But the bartender already gave the soju bottle Changmin wanted. The younger drank the content straight from the bottle. Only to send Yunho away from his mind and heart, but the vision of the man got stronger.

 

“Yunho Hyung… he… I want him to be happy. But now, he…” Changmin gulped the soju to help him say the next words. “I hate seeing him like this…”

 

“Why do you care so much about him, huh?” Jaejoong tried to take the bottle from Changmin’s hand, but the younger was stronger. “Do you love him?”

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin woke up in a place he’s never been before. It was unknown. The minimalist apartment with the boring black and white, but looked so modern and expensive.

 

He remembered having some drinks with Jaejoong, but that was that.

 

Changmin walked around the house, tried to find the owner.

 

“Oh, Min, you’re awake!”

 

Changmin startled and turned.

 

It was Yoochun.

 

“Oh, Hyung…” Changmin gave him an awkward smile. “So- uh… I… how did I get here?”

 

“Jaejoong called last night. Both of you were pretty drunk and- well, _you_ were pretty drunk. We can never get Jaejoong drunk, right?” Yoochun let out a little laugh as he sat in the kitchen counter. “Coffee?”

 

“Yes please,” Changmin sat on the chair as Yoochun pour the coffee.

 

“He asked me to pick you up.” Yoochun said. “Here you go,” he put the mug in front of Changmin.

 

“Thank you.” Changmin smiled and took a sip. “Umm, did Jaejoong Hyung said something?”

 

Yoochun looked confused. “Say what?”

 

“I don’t know… um… I mean, I don’t remember anything since last night.” Changmin bit his lip.

 

“I guess not.” Yoochun replied. “We got here, put you down to the couch and Jaejoong went to sleep as well.”

 

“Oh.” Changmin replied absent mindedly. “And where’s he now?”

 

“I thought he said he went out to meet Yunho.”

 

 _What_. “What?”

 

“Yeah. Oh, by the way, Changmin, aren’t you going to work?”

 

 

*

 

 

“How are you?” Yunho asked.

 

Jaejoong blew out the smoke from his lips. “I think I should be the one asking.”

 

Yunho let out a bitter smile.

 

“So, how are you?” Jaejoong sighed, turned his sitting position to face Yunho who was beside him. They were in Yunho’s office balcony, ignored the freezing wind.

 

“You can see…” Yunho stared blankly to the sky.

 

“Come on, Yunho, spill anything out. You make me feel bad.” Jaejoong said. “Don’t make me pity you. You fired me.”

 

Yunho took a deep breath. “What should I tell you? There’s nothing you don’t know.”

 

“Really, Yunho?” Jaejoong leaned closer to Yunho.

 

Yunho turned to see Jaejoong, but the older man walked towards him, sat on his lap, crossed his arms around Yunho’s shoulder with the cigarette still lit between his fingers.

 

“You sure there’s nothing I don’t know about you?” Jaejoong lifted one of his eyebrow.

 

Yunho knew Jaejoong had strange behavior, but it still surprised him sometimes. “What is it?”

 

“Maybe I know you better than you do, huh?” Jaejoong asked again, put his cigarette between Yunho’s lips. “What an innocent, naïve man.”

 

Yunho took out the cigarette from his mouth. “Do I miss something?”

 

“Oh, you miss a quite big thing-“

 

The sound of the door being clicked opened startled Yunho.

 

Jaejoong stood up and walked to the side to see who was entering Yunho’s office, before turned again to see Yunho who was looking at him curiously. “But it’d be wiser for you to know it yourself, don’t you think?”

 

Yunho stood up. “What do you mean?”

 

Jaejoong opened the glass balcony door. “Just say you’re sorry for firing me.”

 

“I did. And I am.” Yunho followed Jaejoong who was entering his room.

 

“Well, then,” Jaejoong wore his coat. “Your artist is here, guess you’re busy…”

 

“Oh, Changmin-ah…” Yunho smiled to Changmin, who was standing awkwardly in the middle of the room.

 

“Let’s meet later, honey,” Jaejoong kissed the edge of Yunho’s lip and Yunho had 0.1 second to unconsciously kissed back. He took the rest of the cigarette from Yunho’s finger and put it between his lips. He left the room after gave Changmin a smirk.

 

 

*

 

 

Jaejoong lit another cigarette once he was out the office building. The white smoke brought back the memory of that night.

 

He remembered how pitiful Changmin was. The boy used to look quiet but elegant, calm and composed. But with his face wet with tears, droll, and soju, Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to laugh. Not when the red eyes let out drops of water, his cheek flushed and words slurred.

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Jaejoong froze.

 

But he should realize this, long ago.

 

But still. He couldn’t just take any conclusions easily. “As in friends or brotherly love?”

 

“I’ve loved him since high school.” Changmin held his sob, took another gulp of soju. “But he’ll never…”

 

Jaejoong waited, but Changmin was mumbling something to the table he couldn’t hear. “Never what.” _Never love you?_

“He’ll never see me… the way I see him.”

 

Jaejoong’s gaze softened. “Come on, Changmin. You’ve enough drink.”

 

“No… he’s still there…” Changmin weakly pushed Jaejoong away. “The drinks… can’t make him go away from my mind…”

 

“No, they can’t.” Jaejoong stood up and pulled Changmin’s arm. “Come on.”

 

“Just some more…” Changmin reached blindly to the table. “Just until he’s gone…”

 

“He will stay. He had been there for years.”

 

 

*

 

 

“That’s all? Anything else?” Yunho asked as he checked the papers.

 

“That’s all.” Changmin replied. “I’ll be going, then,” he stood up after collected the file.

 

“Ah wait, Changmin-ah,”

 

Changmin looked up to him. “Yes?”

 

“Did you hear what Jaejoong and I was talking about?” Yunho asked.

 

Changmin didn’t know what to say.

 

Which one do you ask? Is that the part when he kissed you and called you ‘honey’? Or the one where you two act shamelessly lovey dovey in front of me? Because I don’t know, I thought you’re in love with Jun jihyun, the one you should marry, the one who you said is your first love, but why are you with Jaejoong? It’s that easy for you to forget your girlfriend? Does it mean nothing to you?

“Changmin?”

 

Changmin blinked to clear his thoughts. “Well, I…”

 

“Can you sit back down for a moment?” Yunho asked pleadingly.

 

Changmin sat slowly.

 

“Jaejoong asked if…” Yunho had a hard time to say the right words. “Do you think I don’t know myself? I mean, what- what kind of person I am?”

 

Changmin opened his mouth to answer, _You are a wonderful person, Jung Yunho_. Instead, his mind spoke up, _but I don’t know anymore. Not after what I saw._

That was the fact.

 

“I don’t know.” Changmin answered quietly. _I don’t know you well enough. You never let me._ “I don’t know, Sir.”

 

Yunho looked disappointed, but quickly covered it with a smile. “I just have to try harder and be a better person, right?”

 

Changmin replied Yunho’s smile hesitantly. “But you are a nice person, though.”

 

Yunho waved his hand in dismissal.

 

“No. I mean it. I remember you helped me collecting paper in high school when they flied everywhere. And you helped Soomi, the girl who was being bullied, to get her glasses back when they were hung up high between the tree branches. There was also a time when you were being punished by the teacher because they thought you broke the window glass from playing basketball. I know it wasn’t you,”

 

“It was Donghae, but he needed money for his mother’s medication so he couldn’t pay for the repairing. I was just-“

 

“But still!” Changmin cut. “I also remember when you gave free coffee to a man when you were working in the café…”

 

“I did?”

 

Changmin almost rolled his eyes. “You said he forgot his wallet.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

“Yoochun said that you donate fourth of your salary to an orphanage.” Changmin continued.

 

Yunho’s eyes widened.

 

“And another forth to your old school for scholarship.” Changmin continued.

 

Yunho covered his face with his palm. “I told Yoochun not to tell a soul about that…”

 

“Maybe I’m not a soul…” Changmin mumbled. “And it was half of your salary you donate every month.”

 

Yunho let out a little chuckle. “Well, I didn’t need that much of money back then. I lived alone. But I stopped donating because I needed money for the marriage… which will never be happen, so…” he shrugged. “Well, start from now on, I can donate again.”

 

Changmin gave Yunho a smile. “You are a wonderful person, Hyung,” he said it.

 

“Thank you, Changmin,” Yunho replied the smile sincerely, and Changmin thought, the light in his eyes were back.

 

“No, thank you,” _to remind me why I love you in the first place, Hyung._

 

 

*

 

 

“I know you love Yunho.”

 

Jaejoong asked Changmin to meet in the bar after work. The offer was strange enough, and the question was a shot in the head. “I…”

 

“I can make you drunk again, you know,” Jaejoong had scotch but gave Changmin a bottle of beer. “Do you love Yunho?”

 

Changmin didn’t drink the beer. He might need something much stronger than beer, but he thought he needed his mind clear so he wouldn’t fall to Jaejoong’s trap.

 

“Care to answer that?” Jaejoong asked again, calmly.

 

“I- I… I just…” Changmin stuttered. “What did happen yesterday night?”

 

“You said that you loved him,” Jaejoong drank up.

 

Changmin froze.

 

“Since high school.” Jaejoong added.

 

Changmin broke to pieces. Or he hoped he did. Gosh, how could he say that?! Fuck fuck!

 

Jaejoong looked amused seeing Changmin’s expression. “Gonna do something about that?”

 

“There’s nothing to be done.” Changmin said after gave it a thought.

 

“Are you trying to move on?” Jaejoong asked again.

 

“ _No_.” Changmin answered honestly. That thought never crossed his mind.

 

Jaejoong sat back and crossed his arms. “You’re not going to confess, yet you’re not trying to move on. So what?”

 

Changmin looked up to Jaejoong. “Nothing?”

 

Jaejoong scoffed.

 

“Look, I- I saw you kissed Yunho in the office this morning-“

 

“We slept together.” Jaejoong cut him.

 

Changmin’s inside was burning up. “What.”

 

Jaejoong gave him a coy smile.

 

Changmin shook his head. “No you didn’t. Yoochun said that you were in his apartment last night.”

 

“I don’t mean last night. We fucked once in a while. Well, not when we had our own partner, but yes, we fucked. Some times.” Jaejoong pulled out a cigarette, put it between his lips and burned the edge.

 

Changmin just sat and watched.

 

“Now that he’s not getting married,… and I’m single too…” Jaejoong took a deep drag of air, let the nicotine entered his system.

 

“What are you implying?” Changmin’s hands held each other tightly, tried to hold in everything inside.

 

Jaejoong huffed the white smoke out. “You know what I’m talking about.” He looked deep to the man in front of him.

 

Changmin looked down hastily. “It’s not my business.”

 

“You said so,” Jaejoong tilted his head. “But you also said that Yunho deserved happiness.”

 

“I-“

 

“You care about him,” Jaejoong said again.

 

Changmin’s jaw clenched.

 

“But gonna do nothing,” he added.

 

Changmin took his bag and stood up. “I’m going.”

 

“Well I say, bullshit, Changmin.”

 

It didn’t stop Changmin from turned and walked towards the door, quickly left. The teardrops fell as soon as his skin touched the cold air.

 

“Changmin-ah!”

 

That familiar voice made Changmin chocked on his sob and quickly wiped his cheek and eyes with his bare hands.

 

“Min, is that you?” a hand was on his shoulder and turned him around.

 

“Ah, Hyung!” Changmin greeted him as nothing happened.

 

“Oh, Changmin, are you sick?” Yunho noticed the younger man’s red nose and watery eyes.

 

“It’s a bit cold,” Changmin grinned and tightened his coat.

 

Yunho put his palm on Changmin’s forehead. “Hope you won’t catch a fever.”

 

Changmin could feel Yunho’s warm skin on his head. It was so addictive like a drug and Changmin found himself unable to move.

 

“Are you from the bar?” Yunho asked.

 

“I- uh, yeah…” Changmin gulped. “Hyung, what are you doing here?”

 

“I’m meeting up with Jaejoong in the bar.”

 

Changmin should’ve known.

 

“Did you see him?”

 

“Huh? Uh…” Changmin avoided Yunho’s eyes. “I… I don’t think so.”

 

“Yunho!”

 

They both turned, to see Jaejoong walked towards them.

 

“You were in the bar? Changmin said he didn’t see you.” Yunho asked Jaejoong.

 

“Oh, did he?” Jaejoong looked at Changmin and the younger tried his hardest not to look away. “Well I thought I saw someone looked a lot like Changmin but I thought it wasn’t him so I didn’t greet him… but turns out it was you, huh?”

 

Changmin gave a little chuckle.

 

“Let’s go to my place,” Jaejoong nudged Yunho’s body with his.

 

“Okay,” Yunho agreed. “See you, Changmin!” he followed Jaejoong to walk to his car.

 

Jaejoong turned his head and gave Changmin a look.

 

“Bye.”

 

 

*

 

 

“I thought you’re with Yoochun,” Yunho set a fast pace, thrusting to Jaejoong’s hot hole.

 

Jaejoong’s hips pushed back in a fast rhythm to meet with Yunho’s thrust. “He has a new singer… Kim Junsu or something…”

 

Yunho chuckled breathily, hands gripped Jaejoong’s shoulder as a leverage, hard enough to hurt, just the way Jaejoong liked it.

 

“Fuck, Yunho, faster,”

 

Yunho groaned. “You’re on your hands and knees, it doesn’t stop you to be demanding, huh?” he gave a strong thrust, his cock planted deep and precise to Jaejoong’s spot. His hand reached down to stroke the man’s leaking cock.

 

Jaejoong was moaning loud under him, every touch burned his nerve. Yunho’s hand and cock were pleasuring him and he came after an uncontrollable twitch. He turned and pushed Yunho away. “Gonna ride you.”

 

Yunho whimpered. “Fuck,”

 

Yunho was on his back and Jaejoong sat on his lap, positioning Yunho’s erection to his hole and slammed down, made Yunho closed his eyes in pleasure.

 

Jaejoong leaned down, tightened his asshole and whispered huskily, “Feels good, Yunho?”

 

“Jae-“ Yunho’s hands grabbed Jaejoong’s ass cheeks.

 

Jaejoong licked Yunho’s cheek, before kissed his jaw, bit and sucked on it. Made more marks around his neck and under his chin. He rotated his hips expertly and tightened his hole, suffocated Yunho’s dick mercilessly, made Yunho came when he sucked on his collarbone.

 

Yunho’s chest was heaving and Jaejoong rolled to lay beside him. “Forget about Jihyun?”

 

“Fuck, Jae,” Yunho protested. “You ask me that after we had sex, really?”

 

“I thought you know me well.” Jaejoong pull the blanket. “So what about her?”

 

“Trying to forget her.” Yunho muttered.

 

“I hate to say ‘I told you so’, but the urge is killing me.” Jaejoong said.

 

“I don’t know why you think of her that badly.”

 

“It’s not her. It’s you too. Both of you. And your stupid relationship.”

 

Yunho sighed. “Thanks for comforting me, my friend. The sex was great.”

 

“Yunho, you’re marrying her after 5 months? What the fuck? It’s a short period of time, even a baby won’t be born in 5 months.” Jaejoong ignored Yunho’s words.

 

“You know what first love feels like? After you meet after a long time… it feels like destiny.” Yunho tried to explain.

 

“Fuck destiny,” Jaejoong said cynically. “You need to know that your kind of love is just a dream, Yunho. It’s a sweet fantasy, but won’t happen in reality. She’s your first love, fine. But to think she’s the very same girl you knew years ago? That’s plain stupid.”

 

“I remember you said that first love never works.” Yunho said. “I know how cynical you are about first love.”

 

Jaejoong took a deep breath. “What I’m trying to say is, you don’t know her good enough, Yunho. It could work, I don’t know, but you can’t marry a girl you barely know.”

 

Yunho said nothing.

 

“No offense.”

 

“I understand.”

 

“I’m trying to comfort you here.”

 

“A strange way to do that, but thanks anyway.”

 

“So stop thinking about her and think about somebody else.”

 

“We’re still talking about this?”

 

“You deserve someone who can make you happy, Yunho. Someone who will always be there for you, no matter what will happen.”

 

Yunho stilled. His brain tried to think hard, but he couldn’t read the clue Jaejoong gave. Or wait, did Jaejoong gave a clue at all? “What you’re trying to say is…?”

 

Jaejoong thought it was enough. “Okay, turn off the lamp.”

 

Yunho sighed and twisted his body to turn off the bedside lamp. “G’night.”

 

“Night.” Jaejoong shifted to sleep in his favorite position, turned to his left side with his back facing Yunho. “And oh, Yunho,”

 

“Huh?” Yunho replied sleepily.

 

“I told you so.”

 

Yunho’s hand sneaked under the blanket and he jammed two of his fingers to Jaejoong’s wet hole roughly.

 

It wasn’t a punishment for Jaejoong, though.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin knocked the door before he opened it. Yunho was busy with his laptop, the glasses made him looked smart and gorgeous, the sensual aura was still there, though.

 

“Hi, Changmin!” Yunho greeted him cheerfully. “Good morning!”

 

It made Changmin smile that his sun was back to his old self. “Morning,” he walked to the table and put the file on it. “I’m here to remind you the meeting we will have with the marketing staff after lunch. Here’s the copy of the material.”

 

“Thanks!” Yunho took the file and opened it.

 

“You’re welcome,” Changmin looked at Yunho brightly.

 

And he noticed something.

 

There was, _were_ deep purple spots on Yunho’s neck where the shirt collar didn’t cover. And when Yunho turned his head to type something, Changmin could see another mark under his jaw.

 

He didn’t have to think twice to know what it was.

 

All night he had been thinking about what Yunho and Jaejoong would’ve done together. At Jaejoong’s place. And thanks to Jaejoong’s information, Changmin knew that they slept together several times. Or more than several. And oh, now both of them were single too.

 

“… and Mr Choi will be there too?”

 

Yes. It wasn’t hard to imagine how Jaejoong writhed under Yunho’s touch. Or was Yunho a bottom? Would Jaejoong made him crazy in bed, moaning his name over and over?

 

“Changmin?”

 

It wasn’t his business.

 

But it didn’t mean Changmin would never think about that. There was a burning feeling churned up in his stomach.

 

“Min?” Yunho called again.

 

Changmin’s mind snapped back to reality. “Yes?”

 

“What-“ Yunho’s eyes followed the direction of Changmin’s gaze. “Is there something on my face?” he checked his reflection to the web camera in his laptop.

 

 _Oh_.

 

Yunho didn’t realize Jaejoong left such a lot and hickeys on his body. He didn’t do that usually. Yunho cleared his throat awkwardly, didn’t know whose blush was deeper, Changmin or his. He tried to say something, to ease out the awkwardness, but, “It was a rough night,” was what coming out from his mouth. And let out an awkward laugh.

 

Changmin gave a small nod, and maybe forced himself to smile a bit. “So… um… did you and Jaejoong-“

 

Changmin didn’t need to continue his words. The look on Yunho’s face explained it all. How he stilled, a sharp gasp from his mouth, before eyes darted everywhere, let Changmin knew the answer. Yunho was caught.

 

He tried to ignore the jab in his heart. “The meeting, 1.30 PM, don’t forget.” He said. “And I’ll lend you my scarf.”

 

Changmin’s face remained stoic as he walked out from Yunho’s room. Head hung low as he dragged his feet to his room.

 

Yunho and Jaejoong wasn’t lovers, Changmin knew.

 

Nobody owned Yunho’s heart. Jaejoong was too wild for Yunho and Yunho was too gentle for Jaejoong, Changmin also knew that.

 

But at least Jaejoong could have a piece of Yunho for himself. And Changmin? Changmin could never get anything.

 

_“You’re not going to confess, yet you’re not trying to move on. So what?”_

 

You deserve this, you fool.

 

It was Changmin’s choice to be Yunho’s admirer in the dark. Never once he regretted that. Not even now.

 

 _“You care about him, but gonna do nothing_.”

 

Jaejoong knew nothing.

 

Changmin _do something_ about that. He bought the cake for Jun Jihyun’s birthday, because Yunho was busy with his work. He helped Yunho to write the song he should be singing on his wedding day. He drew the illustration on the wedding card, a cartoon of Yunho and his bride to be, according to the couple’s request. Changmin drove Yunho back to his apartment, cleaned up the mess while the man was talking in his sleep, called his supposed-to-be-wife name.

 

 _I just want him to be happy_ , Changmin convinced himself.

 

Because it would be enough.

 

_It’s enough for me that you’re happy. Why and who cause it doesn’t matter._


	3. 슬픔 속에 그댈 지워야만 해

Changmin held his breath, tried not to look at Yunho’s eyes as he arranged the cravat around the man’s neck. He unbuttoned the collar and he could see more hickeys revealed themselves. Tried not to look shocked, Changmin covered them up with his chocolate cream silk. “Done.”

 

“Thank you.” Yunho said awkwardly. Changmin’s doe eyes made him felt nervous.

 

Changmin didn’t reply, he went to the meeting room without waiting for Yunho.

 

Yunho sighed in defeat. “Changmin-ah,” he ran to walk side by side with the younger man. “Listen. I don’t want you to misunderstand. I mean, Jaejoong and I-“

 

“I don’t want to know about it.” Changmin cut without looking at him.

 

“We’re just- I mean-“ Yunho wanted to explain, but he didn’t know what to say. He hated the air between them. It made him uncomfortable.

 

After the bankrupt and his ruined marriage, he was always there to accompany him. He reminded him to eat properly and even bought him vitamins. Changmin was always been so kind to him and Yunho didn’t want Changmin to judge him badly.

 

“Just cut it off.” Changmin said coldly.

 

That was the first time Yunho heard Changmin talked that way. To him. It made him shiver. He held Changmin’s elbow to stop him from walking. “Changmin, just listen. We hung out together last night... But he was trying to comfort me and... it’s just-“

 

“I don’t want to hear.” Changmin said firmly. Because Changmin knew Yunho was lying and he didn’t know why, and he just didn’t want to hear the reason. Or whatever.

 

“Min,” Yunho pleaded.

 

“Really, Hyung. It’s okay. Whatever. Your private life is not my business.” Changmin said flatly.

 

Yunho could feel the sudden emptiness in his heart.

 

“I’m going to tell Mr Choi we’re ready for the meeting.”

 

 

*

 

 

“I don’t want to do this,” Changmin said for the nth time. “Why are we doing this.”

 

“You have to dress up for the party, anyway…” Jaejoong said as he tried to find the right belt in his walking closet.

 

Changmin tsked.

 

Knew that Jaejoong was the one who had sex with Yunho was already hard enough, and now, this man wanted to play Barbie with him. Jaejoong asked him to go to his place before going to Yoochun’s birthday party, and that was why he stood there, hands busy with leather jackets and tight jeans Jaejoong thought would be suitable for him.

 

“I feel like your twin,” Changmin said, as Jaejoong dress him ripped jeans, white tshirt and black leather jacket.

 

“Gorgeous,” Jaejoong grinned as he looked the reflection of the younger man on the mirror.

 

“I don’t like it.”

 

“Changmin!”

 

“Hyung, really, I don’t know what’s the point-“ he took off the jacket.

 

“I want you to look sexy for Yunho.” Jaejoong replied calmly, sat on his bed and crossed his legs.

 

Changmin turned to look at the older man. “What?”

 

Jaejoong widened his eyes. “What? Come on, Changmin. You’re both miserable about your love life, just be together to lessen the miserableness in this world.”

 

Changmin sighed. “You won’t forget about that, will you?”

 

Jaejoong shook his head.

 

“What is it, really? I know you had sex with him the other night. But now, you want to set me up with him?!”

 

“How do you know that we had sex?” Jaejoong smirked. “How do you know it’s me? Not somebody else? How do you know he had sex at all?”

 

Changmin’s jaw clenched tight.

 

Jaejoong hummed. “Does it because… oh, you saw the marks, didn’t you?” he teased.

 

Changmin just stood there tense, looked down to the older man who looked oppositely calm.

 

“Don’t you just want to be the one who left the marks on him instead?” Jaejoong continued. “Or maybe you can smell his scent in this room?” Jaejoong continued, his hand reached one of the pillow on his bed, brought it to his face and sniffed it deeply. “Ahh… does it smell like Yunho?” he offered the pillow to Changmin.

 

And Changmin knew Jaejoong was doing this on purpose. What purpose, he didn’t know.

 

He just wanted to get out from there.

 

So he walked out, and when he opened the door,

 

“Changmin-ah!”

 

Changmin almost jumped in shock when he found Yunho was there, standing in front of the door.

 

“Jaejoong asked me to wait outside, but-“

 

“Yunho!” Jaejoong greeted him from the back. “You go first with Changmin, yeah? I have to wrap my present!”

 

Yunho looked confused, but nodded anyway.

 

“And Changmin! You forgot your jacket!” Jaejoong threw the leather jacket to Changmin, before pushed the man out from his apartment. “Now go, you two!”

 

It felt so cold and awkward and quiet. The silence made both of them uncomfortable and Changmin began to wear the leather jacket because the white tshirt was a bit too thin.

 

“So… let’s go.” Yunho said.

 

Changmin nodded and followed along.

 

 

*

 

 

“There’s something different about him.” Yunho whispered to Yoochun’s ear.

 

“Who?” Yoochun’s eyebrows furrowed.

 

“Changmin.” Yunho replied.

 

Yoochun lifted his eyebrows. “Well. He looks hot if that’s what you mean.”

 

Yunho rolled his eyes but took a glance across the table, where Changmin just ordered a drink. “He is. But it’s not that.”

 

“What is it?”

 

“He’s-“  Yunho took a deep breath while Yoochun took abother gulp of his drink. “He knew I’ve been fucking around.”

 

Yoochun gave a look like ‘so what?’ and Yunho sighed in frustration. “I think he looks gorgeous tonight.”

 

Yunho gave up and decided to look at the man instead. Changmin with his soft hair a bit ruffled, cheeks pink with heat and alcohol, his hips swayed to the music, and his eyes- his eyes were sinful. Big and black and they were seducing anyone who dare to steal a look. “Yes.”

 

“So he knew you fuck around? With who?” Yoochun asked. “Jaejoong?”

 

“Well, I don’t know if he knew about Jaejoong or not, but-“

 

“Maybe he wasn’t, but I bet he is now.” Yoochun cut as he pointed Jaejoong who was talking to Changmin, before the younger suddenly glanced towards their direction, straight to Yunho’s eyes.

 

It was like an execution sentence to Yunho.

 

 _Fuck no_.

 

He knew how unexpectedly unexpected Jaejoong could be. Yunho quickly went to their seat and greet them. “Hi! So Jaejoong-ah, Yoochun was looking for you.”

 

Jaejoong’s face looked amused.

 

Yunho felt fear, although Jaejoong decided to take his leave to go join Yoochun. He gave Changmin a smile before sat next to him.

 

Changmin broke the ice. “Do you want to get out of here?”

 

Yunho didn’t think twice. “Sure.”

 

 

*

 

 

It was 5.41 and Yunho startled awake.

 

He felt warm with the man in his embrace.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

 

Yunho wasn’t that drunk, and Changmin either. Or did Changmin? Would Changmin had sex with him if he wasn’t that drunk?

 

He silently slipped off the blanket, careful not to wake up the younger man, before wore his clothes back. Mistaken Changmin’s boxer as his because of the total darkness, and he had to clumsily took it off before wore the right one.

 

Yunho didn’t remember which door was the exit, they were too busy mapping each other’s body than memorizing the room position last night, so he slowly opened the door on his left.

 

It was the wrong door.

 

It was Changmin’s work room.

 

Changmin hung photos of exotic islands, lights in the cities, mountain sunrises, and many other beautiful views. Yunho unconsciously took a step closer to look around the room. The desk was so neat and organized, unlike his. The pencils collected in an antique old tin and there were Changmin’s drawings beside it.

 

They were beautiful.

 

Yunho smiled as he realized how talented Changmin was, and he was glad that the younger was able to do such wonderful work.

 

There were books on the wooden shelf, mostly about art, but there were some about photography. Some of them were in Japanese, English, and some other were in Germany or any other language he didn’t know, and Yunho remembered how smart Changmin actually was.

 

There was a book attracted him. A maroon drawing book. He slowly took it from the shelf and opened it.

 

Yunho guessed it was Changmin’s old drawing book. The first page was eyes. There were lots of eyes, maybe Changmin was practicing to draw eyes, Yunho didn’t know. But they looked similar, almond shaped and a little slanted.

 

He flipped another page.

 

It was a boy, in a highschool uniform, walked in the corridor. Yunho realized that the boy had the same uniform as his.

 

But then he remembered that Changmin and he went to the same highscool.

 

Yunho flipped the next page.

 

It was the same boy, he was playing basketball, jumped high in the air, tried to do a slam dunk. Yunho had to admit that Changmin was a good artist. The drawing looked so good and the man looked so cool.

 

It made him jealous somehow.

 

In another page, the same boy was in the tree, climbed up high and sat between the branches. What was he doing in the tree? In another page, the boy was helping another boy picking up papers. Was he Changmin’s teenage crush?

 

The next page was a drawing of the boy, smiling. His eyes now looked familiar for Yunho, those gently slanted almond eyes. It was just a drawing, but Yunho could see them sparkling, somehow emitted light, and gave him a warm feeling. His nose was straight and his lips were-

 

Yunho’s phone rang loudly.

 

Yunho startled and reached for his phone. It was his alarm ringing and he quickly turned it off. Like a caught thief, he quickly put back the book on its place and silently walked outside the apartment.

 

He felt bad for Changmin. For just left like this. For sneakily went to his work room and looking through his drawings without permission.

 

Yunho pushed the elevator button and the door closed.

 

He could see his reflection on the mirror door and he thought-

 

Was that boy in the drawing was…

 

 

 _No_.

 

It wasn’t him. It wasn’t Yunho. Yunho didn’t remember the face of the boy anyway, and he quite sure it wasn’t him.

 

Right?

 

 

*

 

 

“Or what?” Changmin challenged.

 

It was a wrong move.

 

“Or I’ll tell him.” Jaejoong answered.

 

“You won’t.” Changmin replied, tried not to voice out his fear.

 

“Try me.”

 

That was the time Yunho came to them.

 

“Do you want to get out of here?” Changmin asked.

 

“Sure.”

 

And Changmin didn’t remember who started it. But he didn’t care. He had enough drink to calm his nerve but wasn’t drunk enough so he still could use his brain properly. He wanted to remember this for his lifetime.

 

The texture of Yunho’s lips was soft and pilowy, they tasted sugary and intoxicating. And the feeling was amazing. His tears rolled uncontrollably and he had to push Yunho away so the man wouldn’t notice. But Yunho pulled him back again to press their lips together, only let go when they were panting for air.

 

Changmin could feel the salty sweat on Yunho’s body. He deeply inhaled the skin, he knew the familiar perfume Yunho wore, and there was a thin musky scent of his own body, and Changmin leaned closer to get some taste.

 

The moment he had Yunho’s cock in his mouth, the older man was moaning in pleasure, and Changmin wanted to record it forever in his mind. It was the most beautiful song he ever heard. He sucked the cock deeper, let Yunho threaded his fingers in his hair, before he pulled out slowly, licked the tip to make the victim groaned.

 

When Changmin was underneath him, knees hooked on his elbow, Yunho leaned down, looked deep to his eyes, “You’re beautiful, Changmin,”

 

And Changmin lost it. A tear involuntarily dropped from his right eyes as Yunho pushed in.

 

“Does it hurt a lot?” Yunho asked concernedly, slowly pulled out.

 

Changmin quickly shook his head and held Yunho to stay in place. “No, no… just- continue…”

 

Yunho kissed Changmin’s chin before pushed back in.

 

Changmin let out a chocked sob, held Yunho closer to hide his face in his chest. He really tried, but he couldn’t. Maybe because it was _him_. His longtime crush. His first love. His nearly nine years unrequited love. The whole feelings just built up and burst in his chest.

 

“Are you okay?” Yunho asked again, looked down to Changmin.

 

“Don’t-“ _don’t ask that. Don’t be too good to me_. _Don’t be good to me at all if you don’t interpret things the way I interpret them_. “Don’t stop,”

 

When Yunho found his prostate, Changmin let pleasure took over him instead. He came not long after, without Yunho touching his erection. And when Yunho came he quickly pulled out and Changmin felt fear.

 

 _He will leave_.

 

Yeah. Well, what did you expect?

 

Changmin tried to ignore the feeling as Yunho tied the condom and threw it to the trashcan.

 

But he came back.

 

He pulled the blanket over both of their body, hands slung protectively over the pretending-to-be-sleeping Changmin.

 

When he was sure Yunho was asleep, Changmin slowly put his arms on top Yunho’s, shifted deeper to the man’s embrace. Wished that the sun would never come, but whether it came up or not, he knew Yunho would leave anyway.

 

So he would just try to live the moment. To remember every touch and kiss. To remember the feel of Yunho’s skin and his scent. Because he knew this would end soon. Just let him savored the moment. He would let go when the time came, he promised.

 

To wake up in an empty bed was something Changmin expected, but it doesn’t make it less hurt.

 

 

*

 

 

“Uh,… hi, Min…”

 

Changmin looked up from his work. Yunho’s head popped out from his door. He mumbled a quiet reply.

 

“May I come in?” Yunho asked hesitantly.

 

“Yeah…”

 

Changmin awkwardly put down his pencil. But held it again in his hand. He needed something to hold on to. Fingers tight as Yunho slowly took the seat in front of him.

 

“Are you okay? You look sick.” Yunho frowned. He could see Changmin’s swollen eyes and dry lips. He looked pale and unwell.

 

Changmin cleared his throat. “I’m good.”

 

“Your eyes…” Yunho noticed that Changmin wore his glasses to hide his swollen lid and red eyes. But they didn’t make a perfect job to cover it.

 

“I’m… allergic to… um, cold weather.” Changmin still didn’t dare to look at Yunho’s eyes.

 

“Oh.” Yunho put his hands on his lap awkwardly. “So I… um… come here to…” he was struggling. “I don’t know if you want to talk about it or not, but-“ he took a deep breath. “So I’m giving you the option, yeah?”

 

Changmin said nothing.

 

“Um… about that night, you know…” Yunho bit his lip nervously.

 

Changmin held his pencil tighter.

 

But no other words came out from Yunho’s mouth.

 

They room was quiet for a long moment.

 

“It’s okay.” Changmin said in a small voice. “If you don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Yunho looked at the younger. “And you? Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Changmin put down his pencil, his palms spread out to feel the surface of his working desk, searched for some comfort. “I’m fine.”

 

Yunho didn’t reply.

 

“We’re nothing anyway, right?”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean… we…” Changmin was out of breath. “We’re nothing. So there’s nothing to worry about.”

 

Yunho looked down, a small smile tugged on his lips. “Right.”

 

“Yeah, so… you can leave now, Hyung. Or is there something else? I need to finish this before lunch.”

 

Yunho got up from his seat. “That’s all.”

 

The steps Yunho took to get out was heavy. Heart somewhat crushed. He missed Changmin’s tear, rolled down his cheek as soon as the door shut.

 

 

*

 

 

The words played again in his mind. _“We’re nothing. So there’s nothing to worry about.”_

 

Well, Yunho disagreed. They had known each other long enough. As long as he knew Jaejoong, his bestfriend. Even when he and Jaejoong fucked for the first time, they talked about that. Yunho didn’t remember what, but he was sure they were talked about the sex. Maybe something like ‘yeah that was great let’s do it again’.

 

The sex with Changmin was…

 

How should Yunho said this.

 

It was different. With all the sex he had before. Heh, yeah sure all sexual intercourse was different. But Changmin was…

 

He was giving.

 

Unlike Jaejoong, who pushed him harder and harder and faster and stroke me hurry up you fucker. Jaejoong somehow was topping although he was a bottom.

 

But Changmin.

 

The way he let out small sounds of pleasure, eyes tight closed, his heavy breath came out from his mouth when he wasn’t biting his lips to hold his moan.

 

Changmin cried.

 

That was the first time his partner was crying when they had sex.

 

Was… it that bad? Was Yunho that bad?

 

Yunho knew Changmin tried to hide it but he could feel the warm wet tears touched his skin. He wanted to wipe them away but the younger man had his face pressed on his chest, refused to show his weakness.

 

So what went wrong?

 

Yunho did his job in frustration for the past five hours. He had to call his secretary to repeat the agenda for that day, which was none, and she was asking whether Yunho was okay, because Yunho had asked three times. When it was the time to go home, Yunho stayed. Took his cellphone and called someone.

 

“What is it.”

 

Yunho was used to Jaejoong’s cold behavior. “Why do you think people cry when they had sex?”

 

There was a silence.

 

Yunho knew he got Jaejoong’s attention. That, or Jaejoong forgot he was on the phone.

 

“Are you having sex with a baby?”

 

“Fuck no!” Yunho sometimes regret his decision to tell Jaejoong his problems. Sometimes Jae gave great ideas and suggestion. But other times,… well, Yunho regret those times.

 

“Okaaaay…” Jaejoong hummed. “So you make someone cry while you had sex?”

 

“Huh. Well. I don’t know.”

 

“They say it hurts during penetration.” Jaejoong said. “But I’m pretty sure you’re not playing rough.”

 

Yunho tried to think hard. Was he being rough? “Maybe I was too rough?”

 

“Hell no, Yunho. When people got drunk, they usually have rougher sex, but you are the opposite.” Jaejoong stated. “You got all mellow and touched me with those idiotic greasy look in your eyes. Worse than Yoochun.”

 

“Is that a bad thing?”

 

“That is not _my_ thing.” Jaejoong said firmly. “Why is she crying anyway? Maybe she’s a virgin.”

 

Well. Changmin wasn’t a _she_. But he could be a virgin. “Oh.”

 

“Oh.” Jaejoong copied Yunho. “Who did you fuck?”

 

Yunho opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again.

 

“I don’t think your secretary is virgin, Yunho.”

 

“It’s not my secretary.”

 

“Well, than who is this stupid person who was crying when they had the most fantastic feeling in the wor- is this Changmin?”

 

Yunho dropped his phone.

 

He could hear some ‘fuck Yunho you fucked Changmin-‘ before took the phone from the carpeted floor. “Gotta go! Bye!”

 

“You fucking fucked Changmin! Fu-“

 

Yunho took a deep breath.

 

It wasn’t that big deal he fucked Changmin, right?

 

But why he acted so different?

 

Sighing, Yunho took his bag and left. Instead of going to the elevator, he went to the right. To Changmin’s office. The lamps were still on and the light radiated outside from the opened door.

 

Yunho peeked from behind a wall. He could see Changmin’s busy right hand, stroke lines on his drawing paper. Eyes full of concentration, like he could shot laser and broke off his glasses. His head propped against his left hand, fingers combed his rustled hair.

 

He looked tired.

 

And Yunho dared himself to walk, and knocked.

 

Changmin looked up.

 

“Still working?”

 

Changmin looked tense. “Yes.”

 

“Do- do you… wanna go home together with me?” Yunho asked.

 

“I haven’t finish.” Changmin replied.

 

“I can wait.” Yunho looked down, fingers awkwardly trailed on Changmin’s working table.

 

“You don’t have to.”

 

“I want to.” Yunho could hear Changmin took a deep breath.

 

“Is this because of the sex?” Changmin asked. “Because really, Hyung, you don’t have to worry about anything. I’ve told you-“

 

“That we’re nothing? Yes.” Yunho cut him. “I just want to make sure we’re both fine, okay. I mean- we were good, Changmin. We’re not _nothing_.”

 

“Are you always like this? Talk it out to your one night stand? For what, evaluation?”

 

Yunho felt offended.

 

“Just because you talk about the sex with Jaejoong doesn’t mean you have talk about that to me too, Hyung.”

 

“Why are you bringing Jaejoong to this?”

 

“Don’t act like you don’t know why, Hyung. I know you’ve fucked around with him.”

 

Yunho snorted. “Yes! We fucked. But at least we’re both talked about it and we are fine. Unlike you, Changmin. Why are you being such a child, ignoring me and offend me like that? If the sex was bad, just say it!”

 

Changmin looked at Yunho sharply. “The sex was great, thank you. Bet you had lots of practice.”

 

Yunho scoffed. “Good to know.” He took his leave.

 

 

*

 

 

The air felt so cold after Yunho left.

 

The thing was, Changmin could never be right when Yunho was around.

 

He didn’t know what to do, what to say… and when Yunho was being too close to him, he lost all of his senses.

 

 _We’re not nothing,_ Yunho said.

 

_Yeah Hyung, but you’re the one who left._

 

To have Yunho for his own was something Changmin knew would never happen. But to lose him, that was something he never thought about.

 

He knew he had no right to be jealous, but he couldn’t help it.

 

He had to know his place. He was no different to any other Yunho’s fuck buddies, but he wanted more. Changmin just wanted to know how it felt, to have a little piece of Yunho for himself, even just for one night. And then, he could let go.

 

But he was wrong.

 

 

*

 

 

“You’re fucking fucked Changmin!”

 

“Why’re you in my fucking house?!”

 

Jaejoong was taken aback. “Ooh, someone’s angry today?”

 

Yunho threw his car key to the table and took off his coat.

 

“Yah, you wanna tell me something?”

 

“Not in the mood, Jae.” Yunho walked to his bedroom and took off his shirt.

 

Jaejoong followed him. “But I am.”

 

Yunho turned around to face the smaller man. “Jae! Fuck! Just stop, will you?!”

 

Jaejoong blinked. “Stop what?”

 

“Stop being an annoying bitch now and a rude evil slut in general!”

 

“Wow.” Jaejoong stilled. “Yun, what happened? That was the first time you’re saying bad things to people.”

 

“I’m just saying the fact.” Yunho walked to the bathroom and closed the door.

 

“Yunho! Just tell me!” Jaejoong said through the closed door. “I promise I won’t bitching about anything!... well, I know I’m bitching now, but it’s because I’m worried! About you!”

 

There was no answer.

 

“Yunho! Don’t kill yourself in there! It’s stupid!” Jaejoong smacked the door. He tried to talk louder because Yunho was turning on the tap and the sound of the water was filling the bathroom. “Yun, please come out! I’m sorry for being a bitch and a slut, okay? You know I love you…” he tried to sound honest because he really was. “Not like how Changmin love you,” he mumbled to himself. “But still!”

 

The door remained closed.

 

Jaejoong tsked and went to the kitchen to get some water. When he was drinking, Yunho came out, quickly offered the glass to him. “Thirsty?”

 

Yunho looked at him suspiciously.

 

“Not poison!” Jaejoong grinned.

 

“No thanks.”

 

Jaejoong put the glass on the table. “So, Yunho… uh… so what’s disturbing you, huh?”

 

 “Jae, I’m really-“

 

“You know, to talk it out can make you feel lighter, right?” he sat next to Yunho on the couch.

 

Yunho sighed. “Changmin and I… we fight.”

 

“I thought you had sex.” Jaejoong said carefully. He wanted to add ‘so you fight before you had sex so he cried? Or you fight after the sex? Then why he cried?’ but he knew he had to be more sensitive about Yunho’s feeling.

 

“Yeah we did. But… he was different today. He talked about you.” Yunho muttered.

 

“Talked about me?”

 

“Yeah- hey, did you tell him that we had sex?” Yunho turned to see Jaejoong.

 

Jaejoong shook his head. “No I didn’t.”

 

Yunho looked at him suspiciously.

 

“I didn’t fucking tell him, Yunho. And when I fucking say I didn’t, it means I _didn’t._ Okay?”

 

Yunho knew Jaejoong was being honest. He never lied to him anyway.

 

“Now why is he talking about me?”

 

“I just want to make sure that we’re both cool about the sex, but he was somehow being cold to me and… I just don’t like it Jae.” Yunho stared sadly to the blank tv.

 

“He said something?”

 

Yunho took a deep breath. He didn’t want to remember and it was hard to say it. “He asked why I wanted to talk about the sex. He asked if it’s for… my evaluation or something.”

 

Jaejoong almost laughed and he closed his mouth with his hands when Yunho turned his face. “Continue.”

 

“So I said even Jaejoong and I were fine about it, but why is he angry, out of nowhere?” Yunho said frustatedly.

 

“Why are you talking about me, you idiot? Why you talked about another man you had sex with when you’re talking with him!”

 

“Because he knew you had sex with me! How could he know anyway!?”

 

“I don’t fucking know, Yunho! I didn’t wrote ‘Jaejoong was here’ on your dick, okay!”

 

Yunho groaned and covered his face with his palm. “So fucking hate this, Jae.”

 

Jaejoong could see how desperate Yunho was. “Apologize to him, then.”

 

Yunho stilled. Maybe he should. But- “What’s my fault.”

 

Jaejoong hummed. “I don’t know either, but I usually had great sex with my exes after we made up.”

 

“The great sex is not my purpose, Jae!”

 

“But that’s not a bad thing either, right?” Jaejoong teased, but stopped grinning after he saw Yunho’s gloomy face. “Just apologize. Nothing to lose anyway. Oh right, your pride. But do you care about him more than your pride?”

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho waited near the entry to the building

 

And when he spotted Changmin, he ran to him. “Hi, Min,” Yunho greet with his best smile. But it was quite hard to smile when his mind and soul messed up. “Can we talk for a sec?” Yunho could see Changmin’s reluctant face, and he quickly added, “Please,” before Changmin opened his mouth.

 

Changmin gave a small nod and Yunho brought him to another side of the building, tried to get some privacy.

 

“I apologize about the other day-“

 

“Oh, no, Hyung, I’m sorry…” Changmin cut him.

 

Yunho didn’t expect Changmin would say that this soon. He didn’t expect Changmin to apologize at all, even.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, you see… I don’t know why I was being like that. I didn’t mean to say that to you…” Changmin was struggling with his words.

 

Yunho somehow wanted to hug him tight.

 

“I’m so sorry. I should be the one apologizing, not you.” Changmin said quietly, didn’t dare to look at Yunho.

 

“It’s okay, Changmin.” Yunho said. “I bet you were tired. Man, we’re both tired, right? So… yeah. I won’t blame you. And I’m sorry too, okay?”

 

“Oh, no, Hyung. It’s not your fault. You were right. I was being immature and-“

 

“Changmin-ah,” Yunho called, gently touched Changmin’s shoulder to get the younger’s attention, so Changmin would look at him. “It’s okay.” He gave Changmin a soft smile.

 

Changmin looked at Yunho’s eyes, and he couldn’t hold his smile.

 

They stared to each other like that, shared smile and exchanged look.

 

“Yunho-sshi! Not going in?” Mr Choi asked when he spotted them.

 

Yunho startled and cleared his throat. “Yeah… um, later…” he waved to Mr Choi before looked at Changmin awkwardly.

 

Changmin was still smiling.

 

“Min-ah, you look sick. Are you okay?” Yunho noticed Changmin’s swollen red eyes. He looked even paler than yesterday.

 

“Yes, yes… just… not getting enough sleep.” Changmin replied.

 

Yunho frowned. “Do you want to go to the doctor?”

 

“No. I’m fine.” Changmin smiled. “I’m fine.”

 

 

*

 

 

They were walking together to have dinner when Yunho spotted Jaejoong near the bar. Somehow ended up in a ramen restaurant together, decided to give Yoochun a call to join. Changmin couldn’t complain, the awkwardness he thought would be there didn’t exist anyway.

 

Changmin was busy gobbling up his food and enjoyed the conversation he had with Jaejoong about the new J-Rock group, so it wasn’t any of them realized the look on Yunho’s face when he checked his phone.

 

“Who is it, Hyung?” Yoochun asked as Yunho froze.

 

Yunho’s phone rang, and he got up and leave before answered it, left the other three men exchanged curious look.

 

Changmin could see the man through the window. Yunho looked up to the sky while he spoke, fingers were massaging his temple before he let out a deep sigh.

 

Yunho’s ramen was cold already when the owner came back in.

 

“Who is it?” Jaejoong asked.

 

“Jihyun…”

 

Changmin’s fingers flinched under the table.

 

“You still keep her number after-“

 

“She texted me, say that she’ll call.” Yunho said. “It wasn’t her number. And yes, Jaejoong, I still have her number.”

 

“What does she want?”

 

“She asked if we can...” Yunho stopped his words, covered his face with his palm instead.

 

“No you can’t.” Jaejoong said. “You can’t, Yunho.”

 

“You can what, Hyung?” Yoochun asked.

 

“She wanted us to get back together.” Yunho said in a small voice.

 

Jaejoong mumbled an ‘I knew it’ only Changmin could hear because they sat next to each other, and Yunho was sitting in front of him. He could see clearly Yunho’s doubtful and desperate expression.

 

“She fucking left you, Yunho. I fucking remember how you made phone calls to cancel the booking and catering and fuck, Yunho, if you don’t fucking remember that, I don’t fucking understand …”

 

Changmin remembered. He helped Yunho to send emails to the guest that they cancelled the wedding.

 

“ …your fucking pride! Now tell me, you want to fucking come back to her?”

 

Jaejoong was burning. No surprise he attracted some glances from other tables and Yoochun tried to quiet him down a little.

 

“It wasn’t her fault! It was her parents who sent her away!” Yunho said frustatedly.

 

“You believed her?” Jaejoong asked cynically. “Let’s say it’s true. But she’s a grown up women, Yunho. You think she couldn’t speak up her mind? If she didn’t want to leave, she wouldn’t fucking leave, Yunho!”

 

Yunho fumed.

 

“I read her text too, remember? Do you still keep it in your phone too? You want to read it now to remind you, how sorry she was, but she _needed_ to leave, because, what, Yunho? Because she couldn’t built up a family with a man with no future.” Jaejoong glared.

 

“Hyung,” Yoochun held Jaejoong’s wrist and patted it, tried to calm the older man.

 

Yunho stared blankly to his phone on the table. “I just… I don’t know.”

 

“Do you love her, Hyung?” Changmin asked.

 

Yunho looked at Changmin. “I do.”

 

“Does she love you too?” Changmin asked again.

 

“She said so…”

 

“So you’ll get back to her?” Yoochun asked in disbelief.

 

“When I’m with her… I don’t know why… and how… no matter what happened before… it just… I see some hope. I couldn’t feel happier when she said she loves me.” Yunho whispered.

 

“Then, you should go back to her.”

 

All the other three men looked at Changmin in the same time.

 

“Trying to get your own happiness…, I don’t see what’s wrong with that.” Changmin said. “To love someone, and to be loved back, is like a miracle, you know? Not everyone can be that lucky. You shouldn’t waste it.”

 

“So… you think I still have a chance with her, Min?”

 

“Of course, Hyung. She said she loves you, right? And I believe she can make you happy too… and I’m just- I’m glad for you two.” Changmin tried to smile, but it was hard when the hurt was eating out his heart.

 

But when Yunho smiled to him, it got easier. And he smiled wider.

 

They got out from the restaurant a little later, and Yoochun left first.

 

“So you really gonna get back to her?” Jaejoong asked when they walked to the parking lot.

 

Yunho sighed. “It’s my decision.”

 

“Who do I need to fucking kill so you’ll think straight, huh?”

 

Now Changmin thought it was inappropriate.

 

“You just don’t know the feeling, Jae. You’ve never been in love before.”

 

And that was rude too, Changmin thought.

 

Yunho and Jaejoong were standing face to face. Yunho was towering Jaejoong, but the smaller man didn’t flinched a bit under those infamous glare.

 

“Yeah. I’ve never been in love.” Jaejoong admitted it. “But have you, Yunho? You think she really love you? And you think you really love her?”

 

“You don’t know me.” Yunho’s jaw clenched and he glared sharp to Jaejoong.

 

Jaejoong showed no fear. “But guess what Yunho, I at least know who is in love. And he can be a very good example for both of us.” He glanced to Changmin.

 

Fuck no.

 

“Hyung, stop-“ Changmin slipped himself between Jaejoong and Yunho, hands on Jaejoong’s shoulder to push him back slowly, eyes widened to tell Jaejoong to shut up.

 

“I’ve never been in love. And you, I don’t know, Yunho.” Jaejoong continued, eyes on Changmin. “But there’s someone who shows the real love here…”

 

“Hyung, no,” Changmin tried to sound firm, but he was pleading. “Don’t, Hyung,”

 

Yunho didn’t understand what happened.

 

“You are really stupid for not realizing it for these years, Yunho.” Jaejoong continued. “And you’re so stupid for not making any fucking move, Changmin.”

 

Yunho’s eyes narrowed. “What do you-“

 

“Hyung, stop it!” Changmin glared harder to the man in front of him. He could feel Yunho moved behind him.

 

“I’ve done everything I can to push you, Changmin.” Jaejoong gave Changmin a soft look. He tsked. “It still can’t be done, huh?”

 

“Jae-“

 

“Yunho, this man right here,”

 

“Hyung, no,” Changmin’s heart almost burst. _Please_.

 

“Changmin,” Jaejoong continued, eyes on Changmin. “Is in love with you.”

 

Changmin’s muscles felt limp.

 

“You’re his first love.” Jaejoong continued. “And he’s been in love with you ever since.”

 

They didn’t say anything. They didn’t move. Changmin’s tears fell but at least Yunho didn’t see it.

 

“Is that true?” Yunho asked quietly. “Changmin, is that true?”

 

“Yes,” Changmin whispered, turned slowly to face Yunho, revealed tears. He had nothing else to hide. “It’s true.”

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho almost exploded in frustration.

 

He didn’t have the courage to contact Changmin and he couldn’t meet him during weekend in the office.

 

And when the long awaited Monday came, Yunho couldn’t control his emotion and had to use all his strength not to break open Changmin’s door. It wasn’t lock for god’s sake, but he was somehow impatient but also afraid.

 

The younger man wasn’t in his room.

 

When Yunho was about to leave, he caught a glimpse of an envelope on the table.

 

A resignation letter.


	4. 항상 곁에 있을게

They said it felt exhilarating. You’d feel relieved after you confessed. Got everything out from your chest. Let it all go out.

 

Changmin didn’t feel that way.

 

The cold air didn’t feel any fresher, the stars didn’t seem brighter.

 

He wasn’t angry or depressed. He felt nothing. Numb.

 

So Yunho knew he loved him.

 

But he loved another woman. And she loved him too. They loved each other. And it settled everything.

 

Changmin stopped crying as he walked home.

 

Well, at least, Yunho would be happy. Just like the old time.

 

Now he just needed to go.

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho tried to call for- he didn’t know how many times. He forgot the count. And still, Changmin didn’t pick it up.

 

 _Fuck it_.

 

Another sigh, another try. Yunho waited as he held the phone impatiently and listened to the boring tone.

 

“They said you’re here.”

 

Yunho pushed the _redial_ button. He waited and waited. Still, no answer.

 

“Yunho,”

 

_Shit, Changmin, why do you leave? What am I supposed to do now? How do I suppose to know? How can I know how you feel if you’ve never tell me?_

 

Yunho slammed the phone down and let out a frustrated growl. He buried his face inside his hands.

 

“Yunho, baby, what’s wrong?”

 

Yunho flinched and opened his eyes.

 

Jihyun was there.

 

When was she-

 

Jihyun walked to his side and hugged him. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

 

Yunho held his breath. He could feel her soft hands caressed his forehead, along his cheek and down to his jaw. She sat across his lap and held him.

 

“It’s okay,” she whispered.

 

Her breath tickled Yunho’s ear. And Yunho could feel her long hair brushed against his face and he could smell her perfume. She kissed Yunho’s temple.

 

It felt so different.

 

Yunho felt nothing but sadness inside. He was longing for a slightly chapped lips. A little stronger hold. A bit rougher skin.

 

Somebody that wasn’t her.

 

“I have to go.” Yunho gently pushed her to stand up.

 

“Yunho,” Jihyun held his wrist.

 

“I really have to go.” Yunho repeated, took his phone and car keys from the table and headed out from his office.

 

His phone rang and Yunho quickly checked it.

 

It was Jaejoong.

 

With a disappointed groan, he answered the call. “What?”

 

“How’s things?”

 

Yunho opened his car door with much more power than he needed to. It surprised him he didn’t break the handle. “Changmin’s gone.”

 

Jaejoong didn’t answer right away. Still needed to process the words through his brain. “He died?”

 

“He’s not in his office!” Yunho ran his fingers through his hair. “I’ve called him since morning, he didn’t answer…”

 

“Maybe he’s late?”

 

“It’s fucking midday now, Jae!” Yunho slammed the door crushed. “I found his resignation letter on his table.”

 

Jaejoong said nothing.

 

“Fuck! If you can shut your fucking mouth, he won’t leave!” Yunho shouted.

 

“Why is this my fault?”

 

“He’s not confessing because he has a reason, okay? Why did you fucking tell me?” Yunho hit the steer.

 

“Fuck you, Yunho! If I didn’t tell you, you’ll fucking come back to that bitch! And it will ruin your life for the second time! Fuck, she can fucking destroy you for the three, four, five times more even!” Jaejoong shouted back.

 

“Well now Changmin’s gone!” Yunho’s throat started to hurt but he didn’t give a fuck. “He fucking left, Jae!”

 

“Good for you.” Jaejoong hissed. “If he always beside you, how can you ever realize how much you need him?”

 

“Fuck you!” Yunho yelled, and disconnect the call. Threw his cellphone to the empty seat beside him.

 

Breathing heavily, Yunho turned on the engine and started to drive.

 

As the oxygen entered his brain, Yunho felt calmer. And now that he thought about that, Jaejoong was right. Maybe Changmin planned it that way. Maybe Changmin would never ever confess. And without Jaejoong, Yunho would never know.

 

But would it be better?

 

With Yunho not knowing Changmin’s true feeling toward him. That way, Yunho would never realize how much the man care about him. How much Changmin sacrifice himself just for Yunho’s happiness. No matter how much it crushed him.

 

Yunho blinked out the water in his eyes to clear his vision.

 

And yeah, he knew. He remembered the boy in Changmin’s sketch book. After he knew Changmin loved him, he realized that the boy was him. His face was so clear in his mind. _His own face_.

 

The memory that had been gone for years, now he remembered all.

 

He helped Changmin collected his papers. That was how they met. That awkward tall and slim boy who was always smiling to him shyly. That boy Yunho thought was cute, just like a little brother, had Yunho in his heart as his first love. That man Yunho thought was his savior, helped him proposing his first love, wrote the lyrics for the song he’d be singing during his wedding, was silently in love with him this past nine years.

 

Why would Changmin do that? How could he?

 

_“Anything that makes you happy.”_

Yunho remembered Changmin’s smile. Small, but soft and sincere.

 

It wasn’t his cheery mismatched eyes smile. But it calmed his heart.

 

Now he knew how much Changmin hurt but still able to hide it behind his smile.

 

_I’m sorry, Changmin-ah._

_*_

 

Changmin gave up crying his eyes out and woke up from his bed. His friend Kyuhyun asked him to teach art in his father’s school.

 

Well. Now without job, Changmin still needed money. He said he’d think about it and Kyuhyun told him to come to the school soon.

 

Changmin didn’t expect Yunho would call. So he didn’t turn his phone off.

 

But Yunho called.

 

And Changmin forgot how to breathe.

 

He waited until the call ended, and when he was about to reach his phone, Yunho called again. And again. For three hours. His fingers were shaking he couldn’t even hold the button properly to turn off his phone.

 

He tried to ignore the calls and checked the newspaper to find some job vacancy. But in the end he was just staring blankly and his coffee was cold.

 

Changmin thought maybe it would be better if the words _I love you_ came out from his own mouth instead of another. But then he told himself that it made no different, anyway. That it would mean nothing.

 

Because if that meant something, Yunho would ask him. He would run after him. He would tell him something.

 

But after Changmin admitted his feelings to Yunho and began to walk off, Yunho stood there still. He didn’t call for his name. He didn’t come.

 

 _And it’s okay_ , Changmin told himself. He had been living like that for years. He’d be fine, he’d be fine.

 

His bell rang.

 

Maybe the old lady next door, being kind and shared the cookies she just made for Changmin.

 

He stood up and walked to open the door.

 

When he found out who was standing there, Changmin should’ve quickly closed the door again, but he lost all his ability to move a muscle.

 

“Why aren’t you in the office?” was what came out from Yunho’s mouth.

 

“I quit.” Changmin replied.

 

“I don’t accept your resign-“

 

“It’s not for you anyway.” Changmin cut. “It’s for Mr Choi.”

 

“But still-“

 

“You can’t force me.”

 

Yunho looked down to his hands.

 

And Changmin told himself it was the time to shut the door. But he was dying to see Yunho. Just a little bit more, his handsome face and sweet smile. Just one more time.

 

“Why do you leave?”

 

“I don’t… there’s no need for me to working there anymore.”

 

“Bullshit.” Yunho quickly replied.

 

Changmin said nothing.

 

“Changmin,”

 

 _Stop calling me like that_. _Stop saying my name at all._

Both of them were struggling for words, but also refused to go.

 

“Do you really love me?”

 

 _He said it_. Changmin nodded slightly.

 

“Then why do you leave?”

 

“You… have her.”

 

“Changmin-“

 

“You’ll marry her. She’ll be having your kids. Be the mother of your sons and daughters you want so much.” Changmin was absentmindedly staring to Yunho’s bony fingers. “You’ll have your family. That’s what you want, right, Hyung?” he looked up to the older man’s eyes.

 

Yunho just looked at the man in front of him deeply.

 

“You have to forget about me quickly and I want to make this easier for you.” Changmin continued. “I don’t want to burden you. You deserve happiness. So I left.”

 

“Why do you think it’s a burden for me?”

 

“You’re too kind, Hyung. That’s your charm. But also your weakness. That’s what makes me fall for you. I don’t want you to think much about what happened the other night.”

 

Yunho didn’t know what to say.

 

“I need to go somewhere.” Changmin said. “You should leave.”

 

“But-“

 

“Really, Hyung.” Changmin tried hard not to waver. “Goodbye.”

 

“Changmin!”

 

Changmin closed the door. Leaned on it and held his breath. After some minutes, he could hear Yunho’s stepped away. He slumped down and cried.

 

 

*

 

 

Yunho sat under the tree, eyes staring to the boys playing basketball. Everything was still the same. The field. The basketball ring. The classes. The tree.

 

Nothing has changed.

 

It was him.

 

It was all him.

 

The boy playing basketball. The boy climbing the tree. The boy picking up papers. The boy smiling brightly. The boy in the high school uniform, _his_ high school uniform. The boy in Changmin’s sketch book.

 

Yunho pulled out his phone from his pocket and called.

 

_“This is Shim Changmin. I’m unavailable right now, so please leave the message after the tone.”_

“Changmin-ah,”

 

The breeze blew Yunho’s hair gently.

 

“I want to see you.”

 

The laughter of the kids was filing the air. The girls were cheering as one of the boy scored a clear three point from a corner.

 

“I’m at our school now.”

 

“Kris!! Saranghae! Kris hwaiting!!” the girl in ponytail shouted to the boy who just scored. And the boy smiled and waved at her.

 

“I’m waiting for you.”

 

A leave fell on his lap.

 

“Please come.”

 

 

*

 

 

“He’ll be alright, Jae.” Yoochun assured him. “He won’t kill himself.”

 

“You’ll never know.” Jaejoong ignored Yunho’s secretary and opened the office door. “He’s not here.” He walked in. “Did he fell from the window?” he saw the opened window and flying curtain.

 

“Yunho’s secretary said that he left since lunch time. Haven’t come back.” Yoochun said.

 

“Where’s that motherfucker…” Jaejoong checked his phone. “He’s not replying my texts!”

 

Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Just leave it, Jae.”

 

“I won’t!” Jaejoong tried to call Yunho. “And he’s not answering.”

 

“Jaejoong, gosh, let’s leave first. I don’t want them to call the securi- oh, hi! Jihyun-sshi, right?”

 

Jihyun smiled to Yoochun. “Hello, Yoochun-sshi. I wonder if you know where Yunho is?”

 

“Well, I…” Yoochun stole a glance to Jaejoong, who was still in Yunho’s office, talking to someone in the phone. “I’m looking for him too, actually.”

 

“Oh,” Jihyun’s eyebrows knitted. “He left and I thought he went to his apartment, but he wasn’t there. And I thought he had come back here, but… he’s not in the office?”

 

“Yoochun-ah, Yunho’s in the highschool- what the fuck is this bit-“

 

Yoochun quickly covered Jaejoong’s mouth.

 

But still Jaejoong spoke through his eyes, glared infamously to Jihyun who looked puzzled.

 

“Hahaha…” Yoochun laughed awkwardly. “So where did you say Yunho is?”

 

“He’s in the highschool.” Jaejoong said. “Nurse Shin asked me why Yunho is there alone by himself.”

 

“Who is this Nurse Shin?” Yoochun asked.

 

“Our school’s nurse.”

 

“I don’t know why you’re still in contact with-“

 

“Why, she’s hot.”

 

“Yunho is in the highschool?” Jihyun asked.

 

Jaejoong looked at her sharply. “Why?”

 

“I’m… looking for him.” Jihyun avoided Jaejoong’s eyes.

 

“ _Why_?” Jaejoong lifted one of his eyebrow.

 

“Hyung, let’s… let’s go, okay?” Yoochun pulled Jaejoong’s arms and walked away. “Gosh, can you just tone down that attitude, really?” he whispered as they waited for the elevator.

 

“What attitude you mean?” Jaejoong asked as he entered the elevator. “I’ve tone it down way too much! She’s lucky I’m not cutting her throat off! That bitch really need to stay away from our Yunho!”

 

Yoochun just sighed and got out from the elevator. “Now what, we come get Yunho?”

 

“Let’s eat first. Nurse Shin will keep me informed. That slut made me hungry for souls.”

 

Yoochun gave Jaejoong a weird look. “Whatever you want.”

 

 

*

 

 

_Min, guess what, I found ur old drawing in the art room ^^ they’re amazing :D_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_14:27_

_Min, nurse shin is asking about jaejoong n whether he still wears his nipple piercing -_-“ ugh~~_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_14:50_

_Mrs Park is remember I broke her window :( but u know I didn’t do it rite ;)_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_14:55_

_They haven’t change the cards in the library books -_- I found ur name in leonardo da vinci biography book :P_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_15:11_

_Min ur hair looks so cute during 10th grade >< I wanna pinch ur cheek~~_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_15:28_

_Do u remember the topokki stall? They sell soondae too now :D so delicious~ X9_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_16:02_

_It’s raining n I don’t have umbrella with me :/ do u remember when u lent me ur blue umbrella n I forgot to give it back ._. I still forget where did I put it -_- sorry minnie~ I’ll buy u a new one :)_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_16:12_

_The students are still studying, I pity them : > I come back to the art room min, where can I find more of ur drawing? ^^_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_16:49_

*

 

 

“We can just get off-“

 

“But it’s raining!”

 

Yoochun growled. “The door is just like, ten steps away from here!”

 

“My precious hair-“

 

“Hyung!” Yoochun whined.

 

They parked in front of the school in the middle of the rain.

 

“Omo, is that- fuck, Yoochun, that bitch is also coming here!” Jaejoong could see Jihyun through one of the window. “Why is she fucking here!?”

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin didn’t feel hungry but he knew he hadn’t eaten anything since morning. He opted for a bath, and contemplated whether he should bring his cell phone or not.

 

It was 5pm. Changmin gave another look to his phone before took his towel and went to the bathroom, lit the candles and filled the tub. When he got in, the water felt a bit too hot for his skin, but Changmin was numb to the pain. He wanted to feel more, if he could. So he knew that he was still alive. He dipped his wet fingers to the top of the fat candle beside him.

 

He could feel the hot wax burned his skin, but strangely enjoyed the feeling. He sighed as a drop of water from his hand extinguished the fire. He took another candle to light the fire back on.

 

He closed his eyes and let his mind played.

  
The memory of Yunho smiling at him warmly. His eyes twinkled like stars in the night sky. Because no matter how hard it was, no matter how dark the path is, if he had Yunho in mind, he’d find strength. The sound of his loud melodious laugh that could cure cancer. His strong arms that ready to help 24/7. His precious heart, the epitome of kindness, that Changmin never knew could ever belong to a living people, not a saint.

 

The fire on the candle was unmoving.

 

“Yunho Hyung, I love you.”

 

It sounded empty.

 

And Changmin thought it was good that Yunho didn’t hear it from his mouth. It didn’t sound sincere, like the way Yunho said, “ _I love her_.”

 

But Changmin meant it.

 

 _“I love you_.” He whispered.

 

The water was cold but Changmin felt content to be in it. Maybe it could freeze his heart.

 

Changmin got up and pulled out the plug. Blew the candle and wrapped himself in the fluffy towel.

 

There was a new message on his phone, and three other unread messages while he was taking a bath.

 

_The students are asking if I were a new teacher kekeke~ do I look that smart, min :P_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_17:20_

_The lessons nowadays is too hard :o I feel lucky I’ve graduated years ago~ :D_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_17:38_

_Min I bought ur favorite kimchi jeon~ they sell it next to the chicken stall :) almost fight for that one last piece with a muscular high school boy, I’m afraid of him miinn >< luckily he let me live if I gave him half XD_

_I save the last half for u min, so please come~ ^o^_

_From: Jung Yunho_

_18:08_

_Yunho is being a nostalgic pathetic person in the highschool. Its creepy. Come get him b4 d police catch him thinkin he’s a pedophile._

_From: Kim Jaejoong_

_18:14_

His phone rang suddenly and Changmin almost dropped it.

 

_“This is Shim Changmin. I’m unavailable right now, so please leave the message after the tone.”_

 

The caller said nothing at first.

 

Changmin waited after he read the caller’s name. _Jung Yunho_.

 

“Hi, Min,”

 

How he missed his voice. Just listening to his breath made his heart beat again.

 

“So I just want to let you know that I’m… still here. You know… in the highschool?” Yunho let out a short awkward chuckle.

 

Changmin felt cold.

 

“Um… so. Yeah. I’ll be here.”

 

 _Go home_.

 

“I’m waiting.”

 

_Go home. Go back to her._

“You’ve been waiting for me for nine years. So here I am. Waiting for you too… for just… uh… five, six hours now. Haha…”

 

Changmin could hear Yunho cleared his throat.

 

“I…”

 

 _You what_.

 

“I’ll see you.”

 

The call ended.

 

The sky was dark already, and it was raining hard. Changmin closed the curtain as he walked to his bedroom, put on clothes. Scarf. Coat.

 

Ready to go out.

 

To end this.

 

 

*

 

 

“You don’t love me anymore?”

 

“Now, I don’t know.”

 

Jihyun slapped him.

 

And Yunho thought he deserved that. “Do you really love me too?”

 

 “Why do you say that?”

 

“You left.” Yunho stated. “You left me. During my hardest time.” He said. “Why did you leave?”

 

Jihyun cried. “What do you… you… what do you think I supposed to do?”

 

“I wouldn’t leave.” Yunho said. _Changmin never leave. Not until now._

Jihyun looked up to him. “But I come back.” She held Yunho’s face with her small trembling hands.

 

“But you broke my heart too.”

 

“I love you, Yunho, why don’t you believe that?” more tears rolled down her cheek.

 

“You love me, but you love yourself much more, Jihyun.” Yunho said softly. “To love someone, is to love yourself too, but willing to sacrifice. You’ll try to please someone you love, protect him, make him happy.” _No matter how much it hurts you._

“Yunho…”

 

Yunho could feel his face wet with the girl’s tears. “But you left.” He put his hands on top of hers, pulled them away from his face. “I’m sorry. But you broke my heart.” He gently pushed her away.

 

“But I come back! Yunho, please… I come back for you… I love you…” Jihyun insisted to hold Yunho. “Tell me that you love me too… I can make you love me again…”

 

“You don’t-”

 

A pair of soft lips pressed against his. Yunho could feel the salty tears, mixed with the familiar sweet taste of her.

 

But it doesn’t feel right.

 

It wasn’t the right person.

 

Yunho could see her wet lashes.

 

And a shadow of a man behind her.

 

 _Changmin_.

 

 

“Changmin!”

 

 

*

 

 

The rain was getting stronger and his umbrella almost flew away. Changmin put it on the floor and he entered the school building.

 

There were still classes for the senior for their college entrance lessons. He walked pass the corridor and tried to find Yunho.

 

He had went around the first floor, should he went upstairs to search?

 

But wait.

 

He heard Yunho’s voice.

 

Changmin followed the voice and went down from the stairs, turned left, and…

 

There he was.

 

Yunho was kissing a woman. _His_ woman. His love of his life.

 

And Changmin wondered why it still broke his heart no matter how much it had broken to pieces, could they even broke into more little pieces?

 

And why did Changmin came? _Why_.

 

Changmin realized that Yunho saw him when he startled and pushed the woman away.

 

And he did the most logical thing that came to his mind; leave.

 

Changmin ran away towards the door, ignored the heavy rain and strong wind. He could hear Yunho’s faint voice calling him.

 

He should have known. It would turn out like this. Why did he come? What made him come?

 

“Changmin! Wait! Min!”

 

Changmin walked faster, didn’t care about the rain drenched his whole body. At least it hid his tears.

 

“Shim Changmin! Stop right there!”

 

The wind carried Yunho’s voice to his ear. If only he could block everything about that man he loved.

 

Changmin kept walking, passed through crowding people tried to find shelter, or with umbrella in their hands, wanted to go home quickly.

 

“Changmin!”

 

He didn’t look at the traffic light. All he heard was the sound of the Yunho’s steps got closer and his voice was getting clearer. Changmin walked across the road, wanted to get rid of the man following him.

 

It was like a slow motion when Changmin heard the shrieking sound of the horn, and the headlights. When he turned to the right, he couldn’t see what was happening, as the light blinded him and the car got closer in a blink.

 

“NO! CHANGMIN!”

 

He was being pulled to the back. The force was too strong it was almost hurtful. And the next thing Changmin knew, he was shielded in a tight embrace. The loud horn behind him and the drumming heartbeats in front of him filled his ear.

 

And everything was still.

 

He remembered how to breathe and realized something.

 

Yunho saved him.

 

He could feel Yunho’s chest heaving and his fast heartbeat. His ragged breaths felt damp on Changmin’s ear. His strong arms went around his body, and Changmin could feel each of Yunho’s fingers pressed on his back.

 

Was Yunho trembling?

 

“Hyung…”

 

“You stupid idiot! You could die, you know that?!” Yunho’s words whipped him.

 

Changmin felt Yunho grasped his coat tighter.

 

“Do you want to die?! You happy leaving me like that?!”

 

 Changmin said nothing.

 

“What do I do if I lost you…”

 

“Hyung,” Changmin tried to push Yunho away.

 

But the older man didn’t let him go, only put enough space between them to see Changmin’s face.

 

And Changmin saw him. The fresh drop of tear came out from the edge of his eyes. Lips trembled with fear. He looked at Changmin helplessly.

  
He pulled Changmin in a hug, buried his face in the younger’s shoulder.

 

“I can’t let you go again.”

 

“But you have her.” Changmin tried to let go of Yunho’s hold, but the older melt his strength away.

 

Yunho hugged Changmin tighter.

 

“You love her.” Changmin gulped down his sob. “You don’t love me.”

 

“I can’t, Min.” Yunho said. “I can’t love her anymore.”

 

“But you kissed her!” Changmin released himself. “Why are you like this? Why are you doing this to me?” he walked back so Yunho couldn’t reach him. An inch closer and Changmin would lose again to his heart. “You’re with her…”

 

“Changmin,”

 

“Just let me go.” Changmin looked down to their feet. He stepped back when Yunho went closer to him.

 

“I can’t.” Yunho held Changmin’s wrist. “And I won’t.”

 

 

*

 

 

Beyond control.

 

When he was with Yunho, his body, mind, and soul wasn’t his anymore. They belonged to Yunho. He just let himself being led to the older man’s car. It was a silent drive to Yunho’s apartment. They drenched the floor and carpet with their wet shoes and dripping coat.

 

Yunho let Changmin used the bathroom after he filled the tub with warm water. Towel and dried clothes were also prepared for him. Yunho waited for Changmin, took him to the bed and pulled the blanket over both of their bodies.

 

They lied face to face, Yunho held Changmin’s hand and he stared to his eyes.

 

“It’s over with Jihyun.”

 

Changmin just blinked.

 

Yunho scoffed. “Maybe Jaejoong was right. First love never works.”

 

Changmin thought he should agree. Yunho was his first love, after all.

 

They somehow fell asleep, but Changmin woke up to a groaning voice beside him. He sat up and looked at the clock. It was a little after 2.

 

“Hyung,”

 

Yunho was shivering, hugged himself but still refused to let go of Changmin’s hand. Changmin turned on the bedside lamp hardly, movements stuck because Yunho was still had his left hand.

 

“Hyung, are you alright?” Changmin asked concernedly. He put his other palm on Yunho’s forehead.

 

He caught a fever.

 

“Where do you put you meds?” Changmin asked again, though he didn’t sure if Yunho was awake actually. “Hyung?”

 

Changmin pulled his hands away and stood up to find some medicine. But Yunho suddenly jerked awoke and reached for him. “Min… where are you going?”

 

“I’m not going… I’m just gonna find some medicine for you.”

 

“I’m fine… come here…” Yunho’s voice was raspy.

 

“But you’re sick, Hyung. Just tell me where do you keep your-“

 

“Changmin-ah…” Yunho’s hand was flying to get Changmin back beside him. “Don’t go…”

 

Seeing Yunho so desperate, he offered his hand for the older man to reach. He could feel Yunho’s heat from his hand. He sat down to calm the older man and Yunho shifted closer to sling his arm around his stomach.

 

“Hyung, you need the medicine, okay? Let me get it for you.” Changmin patted Yunho’s hand reassuringly.

 

“No…” Yunho mumbled. “Stay here…”

 

Changmin sighed. It must be the rain. A huge rain with strong wind. He rubbed Yunho’s back gently. “Hyung, just for a while,”

 

“Changmin, please…” Yunho’s face was pressed against Changmin’s hips. “Please don’t go…”

 

Changmin gave up in the end. Settled their sleeping position, and let Yunho hugged him, despite of the uncomfortable heat from the older man. He looked at Yunho’s face. Somehow still reddish from the fever, but more content. He reached out to the bedside lamp to turn it off.

 

“You are an evil man, you know that?” Changmin whispered. “You make me suffer.”

 

Changmin brushed the fringe that covered Yunho’s face. Stared at him for some time, before Yunho’s even breath lulled him to sleep.

 

 

*

 

 

Changmin almost drop the glass of water he held when there was suddenly a sound of something falling, quite loud, from Yunho’s bedroom.

 

He quickly went to the bedroom, to see a giant bundle of blanket on the floor. _Huh._ Wait. Was that-

 

“Hyung?” Changmin kneeled on the floor. “You okay?” he tried to help Yunho struggled out from the thick blanket.

 

“Oh!” Yunho pulled away the blanket that covered his head. “ _Oh_. Ch- Changmin-ah…”

 

“Hm?”

 

Yunho still had the blanket around his body like a huge larva, sat on the floor, back against the bed behind him, blinked to Changmin. “I thought- I thought you’re gone…”

 

“I should be going, yes.”

 

“No, don’t!” Yunho quickly grabbed Changmin’s hand. He pulled down the younger man to be face to face with him.

 

“Why.” Changmin’s voice was loud enough, but trembled.

 

“Why do you want to go?”

 

Changmin couldn’t answer that. He just _needed_ to go. He couldn’t stay there.

 

“Why don’t you give us a chance?”

 

Changmin looked up to the man in front of him.

 

“Why don’t you stay with me?” Yunho looked at him deeper, and leaned closer. “Please stay. I will try to make you happy, the way you make me happy.”

 

Changmin’s tears somehow found their way to his cheek.

 

“Changmin-ah,” Yunho cradled Changmin’s face in his hands. “Let me love you back.” He kissed the tears on his cheeks, up to his wet eyelashes. “Can I love you?”

 

Changmin let Yunho peppered his face with small, gentle kisses. When Yunho stopped, he remembered how to breathe and inhaled a big gulp of air, before let it go out with a scoff. “You can.”

 

It wasn’t the _I love you too_ Changmin imagined it to be. But it was more than that. Because it was real, and it was Yunho, the Jung Yunho, his first love from high school. Jung Yunho, who turned his whole world all around. Jung Yunho, who broke his heart, over and over, into little pieces. But Jung Yunho, the man who also gave his heart, and return his feelings.

 

And when Yunho kissed him, stupid and senseless, and Changmin didn’t care about whatever that might come, as long as they had each other just like that.

 

 _This is so stupid because I realized this just now, but_ “I love you.” Yunho said to Changmin’s lips.

 

Changmin could feel the skin of Yunho’s lips brushed against his when he said those words. His lips grew wider, formed a big smile.

 

“It’s nice to hear, isn’t it?” Yunho said again.

 

Changmin hummed.

 

“I want to hear it too…”

 

Changmin giggled.

 

“Changmin-ah,”

 

Changmin took a deep breath and pulled away a little to look at Yunho in the eye. “I love you, Hyung.”

 

Even if Changmin knew that Yunho already knew about that, it still made him felt nervous. He could hear his heartbeat and it echoed to his brain.

 

“You are my first love,” Changmin continued, tried hard to keep looking at Yunho’s eyes that pierced through his heart. “I loved you during our first met, and I love you ever since.”

 

Yunho’s eyes were bright and his cheeks flushed. “Thank you, Changmin.” He pulled the younger man to a hug. “For loving me.” _And I will spend the rest of my live loving you too_.


End file.
